Patience vs. Drive

I seem to always have a constant battle between these two things. I have a very hard time finding a balance that lasts, it seems that the scales are always tipping one way or the other. I have a strong internal desire to drive hard for things that I want accomplished. I have a great ability to "get the job done" but this is not always a good thing.

I have found myself to far down the wrong path by being head strong. There are times when "going with the flow" would have gotten me to where I wanted to go much easier and the ride would have been more enjoyable.

The best comes from a blending of the two together. I want to have a larger goal and be working towards it while enjoying the steps it takes to get there. Much easier said then done, but life is about practice and learning not being perfect. So I continue to practice and try to improve.

I don't want time to pass by and not have accomplished something that betters myself, my community, family, woman's lives, or anything. I don't want to find myself looking back and seeing that only time has passed. This is one of my biggest fears.

The most recent battle field for Patience vs. Drive for me has been the attempt at deciding if we should rent for a little longer or buy a house. Pay off debt sooner or build equity and have a place that we won't have to move out of in six months. I am driven to buy, to have that same place to go home to every night that we own. I want to be Patient and rent to be that much closer to feeling secure financially. My desires push me to be Patient and Driven at the same time and I feel like I've been going in circles for months now.

I realize that with both my indecision on buying a house and my need to accomplish something big in life the main hurdle is that I don't know what I really want. This fact scares me the most. Do I want to save and rent or do I want to own? What larger goal in life do I want to work towards? If I had the answer to these two questions I know I could get what ever I dreamed of done. But I continue to move in circles trying to answer the question, what do I want out of life? The fact that I can't answer this question seems out of character to me and strange.

I don't know when I lost sight of my life's desires but I feel back on track now. First step will be to make a list of things I would like to accomplish in life. My only fear now is setting my expectations to low.